Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
