I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
