listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize