R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
