my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
