Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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