I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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