They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
