i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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