Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
