you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize