the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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