Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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