bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
