She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
