there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My pussy is not your playground.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
