when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
