even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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