yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
