No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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