Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
