i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
