I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
