I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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