dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
