don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
