There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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