dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize