Don't make out with my wife yet
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize