I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
His nipple licking is glorious
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