JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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