What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
