can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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