I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
