I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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