Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
