I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
