god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
