And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
