He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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