I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
