I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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