You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You took a bar mat shot.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
