I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
