i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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