Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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