Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
