I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
