I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
