You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize