Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
