dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
