Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
