i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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