if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
