you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
