Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
