Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
