She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This is the high leading the old right now
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
