Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
