I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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