I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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