I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
