Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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